Day Eleven:

January 11th 2018.

‘Whoever is trying to bring you down, is already below you.’

Happy:

‘Have some YOU time today. It’s so important to take a break from the chaos of life to get some simple solitude and peace. What does that look like to you?’

By sheer coincidence today is the first day I have not done something in 10 days and I am exhausted. I am having some ‘me‘ time and reflecting on my progression since the new year. Having a break from a busy schedule isn’t failure, it’s well deserved relaxation.

#365DaysOfHappiness:

Treasure your time because the future is so unpredictable.

There are so many elements that can relate to why I am grateful for TIME.

• I am grateful that I’m 22 years old and I still have so much time to achieve many different new things in my life.
• I am grateful for the time I get to spend with my family and friends as many people do not have that opportunity.
• I am grateful that I have ‘me‘ time to reflect and develop.
• I am grateful that many people take time out of their day to make a difference to mine.
• I am grateful that I have learnt everything takes time.
• I am grateful that time shows us all what really matters.

 

• The best time for new beginnings is now.
• Take one day at a time.
• Do I fear commitment, or fear wasting my time?

Remember: Be a good person but don’t waste your time trying to prove it to people who do not matter.

I.S

Day Ten:

January 10th 2018.

‘The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to chose what to accept and what to let go.’

Happy:

‘At times, I feel held back by self-doubt. I lose my confidence and this stops me achieving my goals. Is there anything holding you back in life that you can make a conscious effort to thwart this year?’

If you asked me last year what things held me back i’d of blamed everything else but what I was doing myself. I would tell myself that I was doing everything possible, everything possible to pass my driving test, everything possible to get a job, when really I was too busy telling myself this excuse rather than actually doing them things. I have realised what was holding me back and I have worked on them.

I feel so much more in control of my feelings, my emotions, my reactions, my life.

Today I attended my 4th therapy session and I left feeling amazing. I walked home like I did not have a care in the world, I felt elated. My therapist told me how much of a different person I was now than when I started.

Before christmas I was a weak person, I hated taking responsibility for my own actions, I hated admitting I was wrong, I couldn’t face issues that were right in front of me, I was broken. I was scared to acknowledge pain that I spent so long trying to forget, move past or ignore. In reality, that was what made me depressed in the first place.

The word ‘change’ really scared me. The fear of the unknown always kicked in, but I was made aware today that I was the one that had changed– and I couldn’t believe how good I felt. I get a tear in my eye just thinking about the self-progression over the past 2 months, the difference in my personality and I think self-reflection has really helped me with that.

I only changed some small trivial things and it wasn’t until somebody noticed and mentioned the difference in me, did I really see it myself. I changed the way I reacted to situations, I changed expectations, I changed my focusses, I changed the way I looked at my life, I changed my negative thoughts into positives, I changed my weakness’ into strengths- these are all things that anybody can achieve with a little belief in yourself.

#365DaysOfHappiness:

‘Never be ashamed of your story, who you are, or what you have been through, It’s what you’ve overcome & made you the person you are today… Your story may be the hope, strength & courage that speaks to the heart and inspires someone else’s life.’

My story isn’t over, I’m not completely and utterly happy but i’ve passed the first milestone and that is an incredible feeling. Anybody that wants to reach out to me for advice, to chat about your issues or to simply vent to somebody in a similar situation, I’m always happy to help! Getting to your first milestone needs to be 100% your own journey but sometimes having a little vent will help along the way to complete your own happiness story.

I am not ashamed of who I am, I am not ashamed of my story, I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through… I’m ashamed that I thought I would be judged for being myself and I’m ashamed that I believed no body would care enough to help me.

I.S

Day Nine:

January 9th 2018.

‘I am not the product of my circumstances, I am the product of my decisions.’

Happy:

‘How are you feeling today? Draw a picture to depict your current emotions.’

It took me quite a while to think of an image that truly represented how I feel. I found it hard to find 1 symbol that could connote ‘positivity’ because that’s how I’m feeling: Positive.

I decided to draw ‘glyphs’. They are triangle symbols that all have individual meanings. (I also have a tattoo of them on my leg). They all mean different things that I chose specifically a few years ago, that apply to my life. Looking back at their meanings truly represents my feelings right now and what I am hopeful for in the future.

Understand | Explore | Learn | Challenge | Create | Express | Transform

• To understand that not everything in my life will work out
• To explore every possibility before settling, explore the world, explore myself
• To learn from my mistakes
• To challenge things if I do not agree
• To create a happy life for myself
• To express myself in many different ways
• To transform myself into the person I always hoped i’d be

#365DaysOfHappiness:

Today’s happiness was about the ability to travel around the world. Whether it be in the UK or Worldwide, I have seen some amazing sights and I would love to re-live them all over again.

I have been to places such as Jamaica, Newcastle, Naples, Capri, Sevilla and Amsterdam; all of which include amazing memories. I have been fortunate to spend 3 months in Sevilla completing an Internship that I wish I could complete all over again- I have learnt so many lessons, since living abroad would, about myself, about communities, about nationalities.

I.S

Day Eight

January 8th 2018.

‘Live less out of habit and more out of intent.’

Happy:

‘I often get stuck in bad habits and patterns and these can be hard to break. What habits would you like to break this month?’ 

I think everybody has many habits that they’d change but prioritise the ones they think will benefit them the most. Really, if you’re certain you want to change something, you will. 

A habit is a pattern/ tendency/ ritual/ behaviour that you accomplish regularly that you find hard to give up. This could vary between only brushing your teeth with your right hand or sitting in the same place on the sofa every day. These trivial things are much easier to change in comparison to smoking, unnecessary snacking, overspending or overusing painkillers- which are all things I do/ have done.

Most of my bad habits, I believe, are psychological and could be easy to change if I tried hard enough. I haven’t snacked on crisp or chocolate since Jan 1st which is not bad but Its not easy because its just a habit. Thats my excuse.

I go to the fridge, look in it, find nothing, shut it, sit back down.

(Am I the only one that does this?)

I blame these unnecessary acts on them being ‘habits’ when really they’re not. It takes 28 days of continuous abstinence before the habit can be completely written off. Why don’t you try beating a habit that you don’t like?

#365DaysOfHappiness

‘Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory’- Dr Seuss

My 1000th post on Instagram and also day 8 of my happiness posts, is dedicated to Memories. I wanted to show that the 999 photos previously all include people who are still in my life, people who are no longer in my life, family, past relationships. BUT every single one of them comes with a memory, a memory that i’m grateful to have. 

Things do not always work out how you expected but appreciate the things that only your mind can control, your memories.

I.S

Day Seven:

January 7th 2018.

‘Life is only a reflection of what we allow ourselves to see.’

Happy:

‘You’re a week into the new year- how is this new start making you feel? Write down your honest emotions here.’

Honestly? I’m so overwhelmed with the positive response from my blog so far. It’s giving me an opportunity to be open and honest with everybody who cares to read. It’s also a form of therapy for me as I love to write down my thoughts. Day by day I promote the blog but there are so many more people reading it than I expected, so thank you.

In general, I’m good. I’m working on it.

Here are some of the positive messages I’ve received so far, you guys who keep me going.

Take time to reflect on the positives in your life, it’s not as bad as it all seems!

#365DaysOfHappiness:

The happiest day of other peoples lives, their wedding day and I was invited to be a special part of 3! Being a bridesmaid is such a privilege and I wish I could re-live each one of these days!

Sofa So Good:

On Friday night I began reading another book! (I know, can you believe it?)

Scarlett Moffatt’s Me Life Story.

I read this book from cover to cover in the space of 7 hours, I couldn’t put it down. It was really nice to read a book of somebodies life when they never tried to be in the spotlight. Scarlett seemed really down to earth and comfortable to tell her story.

The one part of her life that I related too were the bullies. School wasn’t necessarily a good time for me but she shown such strength in defeating them and helping her earlier experiences make her a stronger person- this is something I took away from the book.

I would recommend reading this book for a good laugh, if not for anything else.

I.S

Day Six:

January 6th 2018.

‘Progress is impossible without change & those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.’ – George Bernard Shaw

HAPPY:

‘I love writing lists to clear my overcrowded head. Write a list of things you need to do here. It could be for tomorrow, for the week or for the whole year ahead.’

I think its an understatement when I say i’m the Queen of writing lists and never completing anything on them. So the challenge for me today is not only to write a list but to tick everything off!

When I think about what I could write a list of only one thing comes to mind- and it links in with my 12 Month Resolution Challenge. Here is my list of focuses for 2018!

• January- Eat Healthier!
• February- Get Fitter!
• March- Do Something Creative!
• April- Give Up Drinking!
• May- Do Something You’ve Never Done Before!
• June- Adapt Better Habits!
• July- Appreciate What You Have, By Giving Something Up!
• August- Get Out & About More!
• September- Learn Something New!
• October- Be Happy & Grateful!
• November- Conquer My Fears!
• December- Make Homemade Gifts!

Today I also added another book to my Fearne Cotton Collection! I’ve already started reading CALM and it really helps to understand the balance of Happiness and Calmness. I would highly recommend these books, they include lots of interactive aspects which makes it easier to understand.

#365DaysOfHappiness:

Graduation really was one of the GREATEST days of my entire life so far. I often forget the achievements that I’ve made when I’m having a bad time but I need to remind myself daily of the challenges I faced at University and how I overcome them on my own.

Everybody has a different experience at University and that was something I didn’t realise when I drove up to my first year accommodation, New Bridge Street in Newcastle. I was expecting to find friends for life, have the most amazing social life going to wild parties every night and have a constant stream on money that would never run out. Don’t get me wrong, the good memories I have from University are really good but most are outweighed by the negative things.

As the years past and I was away from home, I began to realise that I was pining for this ‘perfect’ Uni experience and I was looking for perfect friendships which resulted in me doing things for people I didn’t necessarily want to do, being taken for granted the majority of the time and ending up with hardly anybody for support.

The lowest point of my University experience was probably when I was on the train home back from Newcastle > Liverpool. I had 2 empty seats surrounding me that has been reserved for 2 of my friends. Days before my 21st birthday we fell out because I was experiencing panic attacks and I felt I was heading down a slope and finding it very difficult to get out of. I was called selfish for asking for help and that’s something I will never forget. They decided not to show up for the train, not to come to my birthday party that we’d had arranged for months and not to continue with a friendship after I was back. I can honestly say that that was the lowest and saddest moment when I realised I was alone.

The day of graduation was incredible. I worked so hard for my assignments, although I believe I could’ve done better without the added stresses around me, but graduating with a 2:1 was such an achievement for me. It’s hard to not really utilise it within the working world but I’m sure when the time is right an Advertising Degree will come in useful!

TIP: I have a little tip about anxiety and depression. Its very rare you have one without the other. The depression is trying to keep you in the past and focussing on all the negative things that have ever happened to you and the anxiety is trying to focus on the unknown of the future BUT what we forget to do is focus on the ‘NOW.’ We forget to live in the moment and that’s something I highly recommend. I wish I had this mentality at University as I genuinely think that my experience would’ve been more positive.

I.S

Day Five:

January 5th 2018.

‘Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.’

Happy:

‘Step into this new year with excitement and turn fear into adventure.’

The initial fears I believe I have, going into the new year, are to do with being honest about who I am, what I have been through and how long I have been battling for. I have been unhappy for a long time but to the naked eye you would just see me as a normal 22 year old female.

There are many things that have happened in my life that make me fearful. 

I fear change. I fear commitment. I fear opening myself up to rejection. I fear not being in control. I fear situations not planning out the way i’d hoped. I fear that i’m not normal. I fear being myself.

This challenge is hard for me because I need to accept change, accept that everything will not always go as planned, accept that rejection is sometimes a positive, accept that being different is ok, accept myself.

So, today’s challenge will not happen over night but acknowledging that change is okay is the first step. I hope that when i’ve began developing and accepting difficulties, I will be able to turn my fears into adventure: by having more belief in myself.

#365DaysOfHappiness:

A clean and tidy space really does make me happy. I believe having a clear space equals a clear mind: to reflect, to explore, to be yourself.

Although, my parents would beg to differ that my bedroom is ever tidy, recently I’ve really enjoyed having a neat and clear space for me to gather my own thoughts, write my journal and be peaceful. I enjoy being in this environment, whereas I never used to. I used to think it was just a space to go and sleep but now my outlook is completely different. Taking pride in what you own and how you present it (regardless who see’s it) is a really nice feeling.

12 Month Resolution Challenge:

Just a quick update on the progress of healthy eating! Ive had no crisps, chocolate or chippy’s for 5 days now which I would say is an achievement in itself. I checked this morning and i’ve lost 2lbs- which isn’t that bad. I think I need to begin exercising to really see any results!

I.S

Day Four:

January 4th 2018.

‘Life always offers you a second chance, it’s called tomorrow.’

Happy:

‘A new year is always the perfect time to try new things. Try something- however small.’

Todays task in Fearne Cotton’s Journal is to try something new and this links with my other challenge for 2018. In my 12 Month Resolution Plan, the month of May is when i’m tasked with doing something I’ve never done before. In a book I read over christmas ‘How I Changed My Life In A Year’- Shelley Wilson she tackled things such as; zip wiring in a forest, but I don’t think I’m going to be that extreme.

‘Trying something new’ personally will involve changing my response to difficult situations, try and approach everything with a positive attitude and embrace the love from my family and friends.

#365DaysOfHappiness:

My post on Instagram today was about reading. This was an unexpected happiness because I never usually read anything! I found a lot of joy reading James Arthur’s Autobiography.

James Arthur Review.

Anybody that knows me, knows that I love James Arthur- not in a creepy ‘fan girl’ kind of way but I love his story, I love how he beat mental illness and addiction and I love that he proved everyone wrong and got back on top!

This is why I connect with him on so many levels.

We have both hit rock bottom- maybe in different ways- but rock bottom is rock bottom. No matter how you look at it. Finding that little bit of strength in something you love doing helps you to carry on. His was music, mine is writing. I never really thought that writing a Blog would change my outlook on life. But keeping a journal of feelings and reflections really does help to overcome the little things and help to tackle the big things head on, and alone.

Hearing his honest representation of his childhood was so inspiring. The lesson I learnt was nothing lasts forever. Whether it is friendships, success or even ‘crutches’.

Crutches are things/people/addictions that many people with mental health issues rely on to get them through day-to-day life. My first bit of advice in my blog would be to never have a crutch. Having something that makes you happy is great but having something that only makes you happy when its around is seen as a negative. It’s hard to differentiate between the both. Sometimes the lines are so blurred that you forget to be happy on your own.

James discusses in intricate detail about his problems and he’s had the courage to write about it- this was one of my inspirations for the blog. Once I’d finished reading his autobiography I cried. I was unsure whether I was crying because I’d actually finished a book or because of his somewhat heart breaking life story. But I finished it and felt like I wasn’t alone.

At the end of his book he lists things that help with anxiety: Mindfulness, appreciating the little things, staying connected with people and following your heart.

It reminded me that having a quiet moment to yourself isn’t classed as laziness, its just simply ‘being’ in peace. It reminded me that appreciating everything I have came from my parents and one day that could all disappear. It reminded me never to hide myself away, as isolation from people that love you causes more issues. And it reminded me that ‘following your heart’ isn’t necessarily always in terms of ‘love’ but its listening to my positive thoughts and that its okay to say ‘no’.

So if there’s anybody out there that struggles with anxiety, depression or any mental health illness, I would highly recommend James Arthur’s Autobiography.

 

I.S

Day Three:

January 3rd 2018.

Today, I attended my 3rd counselling session and it really made me reflect on last year.

Happy:

In comparison to earlier today, Fearne Cotton’s task for January 3rd is to note down things that are going to be changed moving forward into the new year.

I think in order to move forward in 2018, a time to reflect is always important. Facing the challenges head on, whether it is a difficult situation or not, can undeniably change your attitude towards life, moving ahead positively.

2017:

As I mentioned in my first blog post, 2017 was the hardest year of my life.

I lacked motivation to get a job and when I did for the small portion of the year, I didn’t put my all into it. I lacked a sense of direction- companies wouldn’t give me an opportunity to show what I could do. I always felt I was better than the work I was given: that was the wrong outlook. I should’ve been willing to learn and develop my skills. Therefore, this lead me into a cycle of rejection because I always thought I was better than ‘starting from the bottom.’ Currently, I’m in search for any job, in any field, just to get me into a routine again- which is also something I have lacked for 4/5 months.

I also had a few problems with a person I believed would be in my life forever. I honestly put my all into a relationship which I genuinely believed would last for a very long time. When it ended I started to feel like my best was not good enough anymore, in every aspect. In friendships, in working life, in family life, in life. But my self-esteem is something that I look at closely in counselling and is an on-going battle for me to tackle this year.

 

2018:

‘What are the things you’re going to change going forward into this new year?’

Well, I think the one thing that needs to change is people-pleasing. I continue to put myself in vulnerable situations, when sometimes I do not want to be in them but I fail to say no. I hate for anybody to think i’m a bad person by refusing to help somebody else. But this time I’m going to focus solely on myself, to make myself happy for a change.

Im going to change my job prospects- apply for anything, get out there and meet new people from all walks of life. My degree is not going anywhere, plus I haven’t really utilised it anyway. There is SO much pressure when graduating that its essential everybody gets their dream job straight away- and for some lucky people it worked out like that. Unfortunately for me, it did not. So focussing on moving out of my comfort zone is something i’m going to change this year.

Im sure over the next 12 months, there will be lots of new and interesting changes to will make to my lifestyle. But i’m taking it step by step.

#365DaysOfHappiness:

Today I chose to do something I forgot I loved doing: Painting! I inserted some colour into my life by using watercolours. It was so therapeutic and I forgot how relaxed I feel when I’m sat in my own little world with a paintbrush and some plain paper.

Art is subjective

In ‘life’ I love to be in control, I love for everything to go smoothly. But in these pieces there’s no structure, no ideal, no right or wrong and thats what I love! 

I.S

Day Two:

January 2nd 2018.

Today was when I began to sort my thoughts out completely.

I cleared space in my bedroom to focus on writing and make a few plans for the foreseeable future.

12 Month Resolution Plan:

As everybody is aware, the month of January is eating a little healthier. I weighed myself this morning and i’m okay with the amount of weight I have put on over christmas- there’s no point getting down about it as it was inevitable. (And it wasn’t as much as I thought.)  I never really take weight into consideration when i’m trying to get healthy as I prefer to feel happy about what I see in the mirror and if i’m comfortable in my own skin, rather than looking down at the scales and being upset by putting 2lb on.

Therefore, I started eating healthy today, and I can keep everybody up to date with the challenges and hardships I face over the coming month!

Happy:

‘Remember: big dreams might seem scary or out of reach but visualising them clearly is the start of making them happen.’

I think everybody has dreams or hopes that are always going to be about of reach: like working at Google or going out with a famous Celebrity… but unfortunately we know things like this will never happen, instead we need realistic and achievable goals.

My honest and biggest dream is to be truly happy, not suffer from mental health issues and build relationships that I can keep for a very long time. It takes a lot for me to say that I haven’t been happy in a very long time- for multiple reasons- and it unfortunately effects many aspects of my life.

Relationships, friendships or finding my dream job: the motivation is back to start all over again!

Im hoping that by the end of 2018 I can honestly say i’m happy and mean it. Not hide behind a fake smile and stigma that having mental health issues is a negative trait. Its not ideal don’t get me wrong, but its apart of who I am and am undertaking many different routes to get better. (The mental health issues will be discussed at a later date.)

#365DaysOfHappiness:

Here are my wonderful Grandparents, Pat & George. Although they are no longer walking this earth along side me and supporting me, they brought me great happiness that I will never forget. So I am dedicating my ‘Day Two’ post to them. To every body that is no longer here but influenced lives in ways that they did for me. I’ll always be grateful to the lessons I learnt from them. Rest in Peace.

I.S