Have you ever felt like you’re in a constant battle with your mind? No matter what you do, the feeling simply will not go away? If anything, the grip on you gets stronger by the day.
Every little thing plays over and over in your mind, like a stereo on repeat. You can’t tell any of the people you know, you’re just going to be a burden- they have their own shit to deal with. They’re not going to take you seriously.
You must face this battle on your own, or let it consume you, your choice. But you’re tired. So unbelievably exhausted. You feel yourself getting weaker by the day. Those sleepless nights and lack of motivation.
You spend a lot of time in your room, in silence. Sleeping right? The reality is so much more sinister. You’re lay there without an ounce of sleep in you, being choked by the thoughts inside. Its hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind. No matter how physically exhausted you are, your mind refuses to shut off. You walk around every day feeling like a zombie, running on 0.
Every single day that same sentence, ‘It is really worth it anymore? If you end it now, your pain will be gone.’ Sure, you show no physical signs of pain. You laugh, you smile, you get through your day to day tasks. Nobody can see through the mask, nobody can see how much agony it causes you to force yourself to get ready, and remain ‘normal’. Nobody would suspect that you have thoughts consuming your mind, you ask yourself for a valid reason, why you’re still here.
Every single day i’m fighting with my mind, hoping that one day, even just for a couple of hours, these thoughts will leave me alone, and let me truly enjoy something. Every little mistake laughs in my face for what seems like an eternity.
My mind likes to constantly make sure that i know how much of a failure i am. I struggled through school/ college/ university and now the working world. My mind is only telling me the truth right? I am the failure.
Every time i look in the mirror i feel sick with the hatred I have towards what i see. The lumps, the bumps, the inevitable disgustingness of what i am.
If i’m lucky, my mind will allow me a few days of difference. The thoughts never leave, but i may get a period of actually feeling high. I feel motivated, I feel relatively decent about myself, i want to take risks, i want to achieve things. Before i know it, i’ve been thrown back into my own reality, and every single time it’s harder to pick up the pieces, my pieces.
Why? I ask myself? Why am i stuck in a battle, fighting myself every day? Why can’t this period in my life just end? It’s quite ironic actually, you’re a walking contradiction.
You do everything in your power to do everything in your power to ensure another person does not give up, remind them of how much they are worth, build up their strength as much as you can.
Yet when it comes to yourself? There’s no hope, your mind allows your to give guidance and advice and support, however you can not tell yourself the same thing.
Isn’t it crazy that you can become your own worst enemy?
#WorldMentalHealthDay #MentalHealthAwareness #AskTwice#TimeToChange
I.S
365 Days Of Happiness 